... in my brain actually. My very own brain tumour

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

My disgraceful, childish behaviour

This is another of those diary entries that is very personal and that you can skip if you like. But the whole purpose of my blog is to give me nowhere to hide so that I can root out my demons, confront them and repair them. So, if you want to read on, please go ahead with my full blessing.

On 18 March an incident occurred that should have been so trivial that it should not have caused the slightest disruption in my life. As it turned out, it shook me to the core and made me realise that I am just not coping as a normal, rational adult man of 62. This is what happened: My darling, innocent little grandchildren came to visit unexpectedly. What a lovely surpise to have the house filled with beaming smiles, exuberant fun and happiness. Just before they arrived I had buttered a hot cross bun and was munching away on it. I offered my little 4- year old granddaughter a bite of one corner. A little later, when there was one little piece left, I popped it in my mouth to finish it off. My granddaughter's face crumpled into a frown, tears welled up into her beautiful eyes and she started crying. I felt a strong emotion of self-hatred well up inside me and was unable to control myself. I took the plate on which the bun had been placed, and threw it angrily and childishly on the hard paved path (I was sitting outside at the time). It shattered spectacularly into a hundred pieces. Basically, I lost my composure completely and felt that my ability to cope with life had gone. What an awful experience for a little girl to have to witness. Later in the day when trying to book tickets to attend the Friends of the College of Music concert at the Baxter Theatre, I became confused and unable to cope with simple questions being asked of me. I withdrew from the situation with a horrible sense of failure that I know so well. My wife, Joan, who has spent her working life planning radiotherapy treatment for patients at a large hospital, has explained that much of what is happening is also due to the treatment I am undergoing.

The inside of my brain is being fried by high energy X-rays in the region of the tumour but the entire brain is also receiving an overall dose of these potent X-rays. The consequent exhaustion surrounding the logistics of receiving daily treatment is also not helping and when my dear little granddaughter behaved in an unexpected way, I couldn't handle it. My brain is not normal right now. Another thing that has become obvious is that the tumour is growing. At some stage after I have seen he neurosurgeon, I will show you MRI pictures of the brain that demonstrate a nasty hole appearing at the centre of the cancer as brain tissue is slowly destroyed.

What is going on here? I know exactly what happened, and I am going to fix it. In the page of this blog called "Practical Exercises" I carefully set out a plan to help me overcome my problems with my beliefs. Because I have been so euphoric with the initial results of carrying out the plan, and because of all the pressures surrounding me, I have simply ignored some aspects of the plan. There are aspects of the plan set out in the page on Practical Exercises that are still under construction. I know about them and they will appear later. Essentially they go beyond knowing about my beliefs and help me to get immediate access to controls that will stop the kinds of disgraceful behavious I have highlighted in this personal diary note.

I have all the psychological tools available to me to help me and I must simply use them. They are very powerful techniques and I will share them with you soon. So the solution is to get back to the plan and get myself back on track! It will not be dificult.

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